y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
