someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
