i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
