Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
