I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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