I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
