And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
