This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
