any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
