mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
