The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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