Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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