I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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