Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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