Swine flu. Run for my life!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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