My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
