I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
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I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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