He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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