I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
