I must be too annoying 4 u.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
