I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
