did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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