Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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