Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
