Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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