not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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