I want to have your abortion
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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