I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
