I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
