that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
