Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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