I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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