i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
