Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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