Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
