Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
