Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
