This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
