if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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