You're completely useless in the revolution.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
