I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
