Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
