decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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