I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
