Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
