Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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