she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
