I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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