I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
