Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
