i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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