I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
