I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
