i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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