Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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