is wine microwaveable?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
