Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.