I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
