mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
