I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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