Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
