ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
