my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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