I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
